weight of things x what if's

growth.growing.moving forward.advancing.decisions decisions.crossroads.choices.intersections.progress.success.downfalls.hitting walls...life is full of these things mentioned...we are either forced into it due to circumstances or to consciously choose to propel ourselves into moments of great success or failures...we will never know the outcome..whether it will work for our benefit or be our biggest breakdown...the unknown scares a lot of us..its normal to be afraid of it because we feel less safe in the dark, not knowing what lurks around the corner frightens even the strongest...but i guess that's life, we go through it half of the time blind, never knowing anything and that's the beauty of it i guess...a lot of us risk less because we don't know but then again we will never know unless we try, right?!?

the same is true with us, our walk as believers...it says the `just' shall live by faith..and faith, simply defined is believing in something that we don't have YET or even something we cannot see YET...hmm sounds like false hope to me...how i ask? just reading that sort of makes feel a bit vulnerable, weak or even naked...we are all about about making opportunities, go-getter...we make something for ourselves..we want money, we work..we want success, we work..we work for things that can quickly disappear...no i'm bashing on the fact that hard work isn't bad...work is necessary because faith without work is dead...but at the same our success or failure does not define who we are but we are defined by the one who made us to be...so what if all the work we put in gives us zero return? what if everything that we have built starts to crumble? what if it doesn't work out in the end, then what? God asks us to seek first His kingdom and righteousness(Matthew 6:33-34) because only He knows what could bring true satisfaction...so yes its okay to pursue our goals and dreams but we shouldn't be anchored only on those things for they can quickly shift or change just as the seasons...there is no doubt that God wants the best for us but sometimes what we think is the best for us is usually completely opposite of what He wants to do for us...a friend told me once that instead of putting God first, put Him in the center of everything, whether it be career, family, school etc. so that in everything He will direct the course of our actions...the stress of deciding what to do in a situation such as school or career or marriage can be a person's making or breaking point...choosing the `right one' or `the best' is crucial but this can also include hours of over analyzing and can cause a sane person to lose his/her head over it...that is why majority of the population reverts back to being complacent and indecisive individuals fearing that they are incapable of ever making the right decision, i know because i am one the majority...seems like all my life has been cycles long sleepless nights where my brain is racing, over analyzing situations and that dreaded `choice' starts to make me cringe to my bones...fear can paralyze us..it limits our ability to be great...i saw this commercial saying `the only limits preventing us are the ones we set on ourselves' which in application is very true because half of the time we are all too worried about the situation rather than focusing on the one who gave us the dream.

i want to live life filled with adventure whether good or bad...regardless of the outcome of any decision that i make...i guess the important thing is that for myself to be just open to the fact that anything can happen...so instead of me thinking and over analyzing situations, i should just learn to sort my priorities and go through it with all that i am...learn to take risks, to live life worth living instead being motionless and indecisive...i need help, we all need help...we need people that will encourage and direct us and at the same support us no matter what...God wants us us to have a life that is FULL, not lacking, not boring, not so and so, not mediocre but life to the FULLEST..learn to surround yourself with people who will encourage and help you get there and be ready to learn...learn to grow up and accept things..i know i have a lot to learn and that i want to be a person who's willing risk it all without reservation, i want to be the person who's less on words but more in action...simplify my choice and just move, do something and grow.

that is all.

LIFE...in general.

so many things are up in the clouds right now, especially with the holiday season in full swing, its hard to sort of plan anything else regarding what i want to with my life. basically they are just plans, nothing more. you see I'm a opportunity guy, i just take whatever opens up. this can a good thing but also can be my downfall. i think i should be more assertive in my life in general instead of waiting for `things' to open up or even happen. it boils down to what i really want in life or what i want to accomplish. life is boring if we choose to be stagnant or `comfy'. i know this will sound cliche but life is really an adventure full surprises, good and bad. one of my general rule in this life is this: take the good stuff but don't get too comfortable because it can get better. also regarding the `bad' is that we learn to accept it and also learn from it. i know it sound so simple but i think that's key in life, keeping things simple instead of being tangled with complexities of it. this will probably sound selfish but i want a build a life for myself. i feel like all these years i've tried to sort of unknowingly base my decision on somebody else's success or opinion. the danger of it was that i never found myself in the process of knowing who i really am and what i want for myself. we all have our lives to live, as a single guy trying to make it out in this fast paced world, i need to have goals, a plan something that will propel me closer to being the person i want and it all boils down to my priorities. i guess in my season it's easier now because i am single and have no kids, but i guess it will come to a point when i do need to not just think about what `i want' but `what's best'. so with that in my mind, i gotta get crackin', here are just some of those `plans' that's up in the air:

1. going back to school (choices: architecture, engineering or industrial design)
i was really eyeing of going to school in BC but we'll see, don't want to get my hopes up but it would be nice.
2. move somewhere in canada, hopefully BC. kinda getting tire of all this snow in toronto. probably look for a job and be all independent you know..hahah
3. find someone who i can share my dreams with and be with me 100% of the way...hmmm must be nice to have this. praying and finding mode
4. mission trips and such, basically be more socially active regarding the things that is happening around the world

everything else is just secondary and still must be thoroughly thought out. but that's the chunk of it..i'm terrified just reading it over but i will fully rely on His wisdom and to remain faithful until that time comes, whenever that is. so yeah i guess i can end with this quote by John Wesley:

“When I was young I was sure of everything; in a few years, having been mistaken a thousand times, I was not half so sure of most things as I was before; at present, I am hardly sure of anything but what God has revealed to me”

Tom Ford Spring 09 Collection.

this is so nice.

BROKEN.

nobody in this world wants to be broken...to be at a point in life where at most vulnerable, lowest point of one's life or even the feeling of having nothing much to offer...so what is the point really?..is brokenness a type of depression? or is it much like a process, just as rocks are hard pressed for centuries to become diamonds or rough gold goes through the fire to become pure...PROCESS, no one likes it, not as much as just having the end result...this is stage where if we stuck through it, eventually we will get `there'...this is the making or breaking point of every person..a test of character or integrity...the sifting of very impurities or flaws so in the end something comes out better than before.

so spiritually, what is the point in being broken? we are the clay, you are the potter (isaiah 64:8)...ever seen a lump of clay? well its really nothing much to look at...there's no form or structure, not very valuable and just a tad boring! but in the hands of a master potter, the nothing becomes something...the once shapeless, worthless eyesore becomes a valuable silhouette of art, perfect in every way...and its all about the process...if i am to be the person God wants me to become, i must submit myself into his hands...it all start with me, my desire to accept that He knows better..my desire to be transformed by His hands...being broken is not for the faint of heart, process is never easy like i said...like clay being formed, the potter will do everything in his power remove imperfections or flaws, to smooth out the rough patches...like a tree being pruned so that it'll bear much fruit.

another question to ponder is this, is it necessary for all believers to to be broken? if you want to simplify our `walk' with God to single, most effective theology is this...'Love God, love people'...we are not automatic lovers...its not normal for people to care for others unless it benefits them in some way, so our ability or desire to understand God's unconditional love for us gives a better sense on loving others...and it only comes when we, as his created ones submit ourselves into His hands, to go through this process of purification and transformation...He must work in us before he can work through us...our carnal man must go through the fire in order for me and you to used powerfully by God through the holy spirit.

I think I've come to a point in my life where milk just won't cut it anymore, i need meat..i need His fullness in my life...part of being broken is that we become less reliant on our own abilities and strength..what we thought was good enough for
God, usually is never good enough...brokenness opens our eyes to see God and what he desires or what He wants to fulfill in our lives...it begins with an understanding on who God is...God loves us..He wouldn't send His son to die if He didn't...so in everything that He will do in the process of being broken is for our good...painful as it may seem but its the same example with parents disciplining their own children...He loves us enough that He does not want us to grow up like spoiled brats but to be the man or woman whose character is founded solely on His truth and is not swayed by change in season but will remain faithful till the end...a person whose not out for himself/herself but for those who are broken, lonely, poor and widowed, all for the glory of the Maker.

understand.desire.submit.persevere.brokenness

FRESH KIDS.

my ohh my..and i thought i look alright.lol

WOW.

French photographer's Arles exhibition 2008

AGO

experiment 1

will you still love me in the morning?

oh to hear your voice
even a breathe is enough to suffice
like a thousand angels singing tonight
and before we say our goodbye's
will you still love me in the morning?

face to face we lie awake
gathering the warmth as our bodies collide
feeling of forever right here in my arms
and before we close our eyes tonight
will you still love me in the morning?

oh the words i wished i never said
it hurts but it hurts me to see you this way
I'd give anything for this moment to just simply fade
and as you were walking away, thought I'd say
will you still love me in the morning?

the seasons have given us stories to tell
our once youthful face turn shades of gray
as we take our last and final breathe, i'd say
will you still love me in the morning?
under a sigh i hear you say
always and forever babe, always and forever.