i think i'm just about done here..

i guess thats what feel most generally about life right now...i just feel the need to throw away responsibilities and just fly or sail off somewhere..hmmm i dunno i guess the gravity or the weight of it can be sometimes unbearable for me to handle..i'm not really complaining or trying to find an excuse..i just have this sense or this need to go somewhere...and this thought of maybe you got the wrong guy this time seems to linger in the back of my head but who am i to doubt His wisdom, soo ill keep believing...i dunno i just dont want life to pass me by..to fall into the routine and be numb about having life worth living/persuing...dont get me wrong..i am thankful for everything i have and everyone who is around me...and at the same i dont want to rush something that i know i need to take my time in...hmmm i guess im just a little emotional right now, maybe its the weather change or the situations/events that occured these past few weeks that i find myself in such unrest..like my mind is racing 24/7..cant seem to shake this feeling somehow..i know i'll get over it but its just hard right now...

on another note: my girl issues...ohh man..so feeling like i need to talk about this situation....but i doubt we're on the same page...i guess im okay with being friends with her but at the same time what if theres more and somehow i'm missing it...i guess its just hard now..the juggling..i know im a clown but im a terrible juggler..hahah...AND I FEEL TERRIBLE..i dont want to be the reason why things cant/wont work out...i feel like its my fault..im too busy...yeah one of these days ill just sit down and think..and not fall into laziness!!lol...i just dont know anymore...i just know i feel terrible and hate to look like the jerk guy, cus i hate those guys..the ones that makes women feel like theyre not important or even worthless..because REALLY now...women are put on this planet to be treated as princess..daughters of the King of kings!!cmonn now!!hahah yeah we'll just to see and wait..lotsa of prayers and wisdom needed..double dose please!!

UPSIDE!! WEEKEND!! SOO GET YOUR PARTY CLOTHES ON AND LETS MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN, YEAH!! SWEET!!

SUBSTANCE OVER SUBSTITUTES

lately I've been stuck with this thought of how easy it is to be defined by the things you surround yourself...in a world full of `stuff', its not hard to attain or be caught up in collecting things that has some sort of relation to who you can be as a person..for example, if you want to be seen as hip or cool, all you need is the right outfit and be invited to exclusive parties or be seen with equally `hip/cool' people...you can buy fast cars and mansions just to have that life that many can only dream or even envy...but the more i think about it, there really isn't a substitute for character and integrity...who you are deep inside..i too was a victim of this...i lived to have things around me thinking that this is who i am...not knowing that deep inside that i was struggling to find my identity..my character...deep inside i was just a lost, faceless individual longing to be accepted...thinking that by having stuff, will make more popular..more talked about..or even maybe more loved...I've come to realize that i don't have to be the most up-to-date dude or have the latest clothes to fit in...I want to be the guy who is surrounded by people not because of my `things' but by the character instilled in me..by the choices i make..and by the positivity i radiate...i want to build enduring characteristics that wont fade or falter in time..because `stuff' will go obsolete and fashion will go out-of-date but a good heart and character i will always have regardless of the seasons in my life...

I WANT TO...

-write more songs....but i need inspiration
-buy clothes...but i have no money
-have a vacation...but i wouldnt know where to go
-have a conversation...but its hard to find people
-just drive somewhere..but i dont have the car to do so
-hike somewhere...but it feels like the days are growing colder
-see the world changed for the better...but im afraid of what it will take
-grow..but i get too comfortable with just being a kid
-move to a different place..but the idea of it scares the life out of me
-be more committed...but its hard for me to fit everything in
-love regardless of the outcome.....so help me do it, knowing that you'll be there in the end.

looong weekend updates/happenings!!!

couldn't asked for a better weather this weekend..it was just wow, the best we've had..well weather wise anyways..all year!!! spent all weekend pretty much devouring food with family and friends..which was a good cus i've been really good regarding my food intake, so i thought i'd let myself have a cheat weekend...this weekend was just another reminder on how important spending time with your loved ones really is...i guess it brings closeness and also that sort genuine `fun' that comes when we become real with one another...no masks just you..as a person.

now onto the weekend happenings...Saturday, i helped a close friend move in to his first house with his wife and the cutest little girl i know...which made me realize how old im getting..i mean thats when you know your old, i guess..when those people that you group up with starts to make grown-up decisions ie. buying house..making babies!!lol yeah kinda depressing but we all have different journeys in life...and i guess my time will soon but for now i just love the freedom that i don't have to work to pay off anything!! whooohooo!!lol i also met up with friends on Saturday night for dessert and bowling..good to see a good friend again after many months...it was good to see her happy together with her husband...Sunday was also an adventure, took a very special person for her belated birthday dinner..it was good spending time with her..we usually don't go out much but just being there made me more realize how much i care for her..im terrified but exciting all at the same time..just the fact that i don't know where it would lead..hmm i can only dream!!lol then we meet up with her friends..totally fun guys..easy to get along with..im still struggling understanding but i'm getting there..im doing my best..all in all good Sunday....monday was more of a family day for us..we went for lunch..good time..good food..sad it had to end cus mother had to go to work..but i spent all afternoon doing chores..cleaned my room...did laundry..wanted to see her but she was busy with other stuff but it was good..time off can be good..as long as i dont waste the day...went to church to check up on the carpet..i was wooow..it looks soo good..i can't help but to give thanks to God for the miracles and blessing He continually pours out to us...went to a friends house for a thanksgiving dinner..had the best cake in the world and knowing that it was made by a person i know made it all more special...hmm i can still taste it i think!lol....went bowling again..it was fun..and it was free..whoohooo...i just love spending time with people i haven't seen for the longest time...went home that night thinking about her..again..maybe i'm falling for her..i wasn't gonna call her but good thing she messaged me..kinda late but it was good she did...hmmm i dunno maybe i should tell her..but im soo terrified of the outcome..but im assuming..maybe i should just cause she's worth it..had a talk cus she was feeling kinda uneasy/thinking mode...which i was glad to just sort of be there for her..made her sleep better regardless whether i was tired..it was just good being on the other line....

i guess thats is all..

YOU ARE...

My sunshine.my only sunshine.you make me happy when skies are grey.you never know dear how much i love you.please don't take my sunshine away.

IM KINDA SICK..AND ITS THE LOONG WEEKEND..THE LAST BEFORE CHRISTMAS..YEAH KINDA SUCKS BUT IM NOT GONNA LET THIS GET ME DOWN..BOOOYAHH!!

ps. i kinda miss you..but just a bit

LAST NIGHT I REALIZED SOMETHING..

maybe this whole thing that I've been trying to have this particular person is not what i need...there was a point last night on conversation when i realized that maybe I'm just `the guy on the other line'..waiting, wishing i could have a straight conversation w/o distractions or the other `friends'..but then who am i ask for such privilege...we're just friends, nothing more..oh how i wish we are more but this logic sense in me kicks in..telling me to take it easy..it will come and be perfected in time, regardless of the outcome...whether she chooses you or not...OOH MAN, IT WAS JUST TOO AWKWARD..THERE WAS MOMENT WHEN I TRIED TO ASK HER ON A `DATE'..WELL I TRIED BUT IT WAS AN EXPERIMENT THAT UNFORTUNATELY KINDA BACKFIRED....I'm telling to not get soo distracted...not to let this situation take up my time that should be spent doing more productive things..ie ministry planning, devotion, praying etc...hmmm hopefully i find the sense to just not make thing difficult for myself....my feelings for this person are real no doubt about it...and i guess i just need to try to find myself in a place where i'm well enough to receive love and give love away...so i guess what i'm saying is that regardless of these feelings i'm having, i should be responsible enough to be the `right' guy...not someone who can insecure at times or lack confidence in who i am deep inside...

ON ANOTHER NOTE..
i feel unhappy with my commitment to the `kids' at church..i feel like i should be doing more...and i guess i'm just apathetic at time to actually do work..but i feel the need to do more..to pray more and to actually make sure that there is growth or at least i'm faithful to what God has given me...

LATELY I'VE BEEN...

having a sense unrest...like my mind is in constant `thinking' mode..i guess its because lately I've been having these feelings for a particular someone..its been a while since I've felt like this..and i guess its just too much for my pea brain to process...constant mix of emotions..a roller coaster of `feelings' that at times catches me off guard..and i guess the more i let myself be overtaken by these `feelings', the more i feel anxious and at times foolish...but one thing is for sure..i care for her..maybe more than i should..sometimes i just wanna wrap my arms around her and say everything will be alright...hmm i cant explain it..

I WAS WATCHING A MOVIE LAST SUNDAY AND I WAS REMINDED OF THIS POEM....SO CLOSE THAT I CAN FEEL...soo good

Sonnet XVII by Pablo Neruda
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

to be THAT GUY.

ill be there to listen
even if my day was crap
even if im wasting away
ill find the right words
so that you'll feel a bit better.

ill be there to comfort
wrap my arms around you
hoping that you'll feel safer
and you could rest easier
knowing that im right here, right now.

ill be there to dream
believe with you in spite of
find strength in each other
and hope that in end day
it'll still be you and me.

ill be there.
to be continued..