weight of things x what if's

growth.growing.moving forward.advancing.decisions decisions.crossroads.choices.intersections.progress.success.downfalls.hitting walls...life is full of these things mentioned...we are either forced into it due to circumstances or to consciously choose to propel ourselves into moments of great success or failures...we will never know the outcome..whether it will work for our benefit or be our biggest breakdown...the unknown scares a lot of us..its normal to be afraid of it because we feel less safe in the dark, not knowing what lurks around the corner frightens even the strongest...but i guess that's life, we go through it half of the time blind, never knowing anything and that's the beauty of it i guess...a lot of us risk less because we don't know but then again we will never know unless we try, right?!?

the same is true with us, our walk as believers...it says the `just' shall live by faith..and faith, simply defined is believing in something that we don't have YET or even something we cannot see YET...hmm sounds like false hope to me...how i ask? just reading that sort of makes feel a bit vulnerable, weak or even naked...we are all about about making opportunities, go-getter...we make something for ourselves..we want money, we work..we want success, we work..we work for things that can quickly disappear...no i'm bashing on the fact that hard work isn't bad...work is necessary because faith without work is dead...but at the same our success or failure does not define who we are but we are defined by the one who made us to be...so what if all the work we put in gives us zero return? what if everything that we have built starts to crumble? what if it doesn't work out in the end, then what? God asks us to seek first His kingdom and righteousness(Matthew 6:33-34) because only He knows what could bring true satisfaction...so yes its okay to pursue our goals and dreams but we shouldn't be anchored only on those things for they can quickly shift or change just as the seasons...there is no doubt that God wants the best for us but sometimes what we think is the best for us is usually completely opposite of what He wants to do for us...a friend told me once that instead of putting God first, put Him in the center of everything, whether it be career, family, school etc. so that in everything He will direct the course of our actions...the stress of deciding what to do in a situation such as school or career or marriage can be a person's making or breaking point...choosing the `right one' or `the best' is crucial but this can also include hours of over analyzing and can cause a sane person to lose his/her head over it...that is why majority of the population reverts back to being complacent and indecisive individuals fearing that they are incapable of ever making the right decision, i know because i am one the majority...seems like all my life has been cycles long sleepless nights where my brain is racing, over analyzing situations and that dreaded `choice' starts to make me cringe to my bones...fear can paralyze us..it limits our ability to be great...i saw this commercial saying `the only limits preventing us are the ones we set on ourselves' which in application is very true because half of the time we are all too worried about the situation rather than focusing on the one who gave us the dream.

i want to live life filled with adventure whether good or bad...regardless of the outcome of any decision that i make...i guess the important thing is that for myself to be just open to the fact that anything can happen...so instead of me thinking and over analyzing situations, i should just learn to sort my priorities and go through it with all that i am...learn to take risks, to live life worth living instead being motionless and indecisive...i need help, we all need help...we need people that will encourage and direct us and at the same support us no matter what...God wants us us to have a life that is FULL, not lacking, not boring, not so and so, not mediocre but life to the FULLEST..learn to surround yourself with people who will encourage and help you get there and be ready to learn...learn to grow up and accept things..i know i have a lot to learn and that i want to be a person who's willing risk it all without reservation, i want to be the person who's less on words but more in action...simplify my choice and just move, do something and grow.

that is all.

LIFE...in general.

so many things are up in the clouds right now, especially with the holiday season in full swing, its hard to sort of plan anything else regarding what i want to with my life. basically they are just plans, nothing more. you see I'm a opportunity guy, i just take whatever opens up. this can a good thing but also can be my downfall. i think i should be more assertive in my life in general instead of waiting for `things' to open up or even happen. it boils down to what i really want in life or what i want to accomplish. life is boring if we choose to be stagnant or `comfy'. i know this will sound cliche but life is really an adventure full surprises, good and bad. one of my general rule in this life is this: take the good stuff but don't get too comfortable because it can get better. also regarding the `bad' is that we learn to accept it and also learn from it. i know it sound so simple but i think that's key in life, keeping things simple instead of being tangled with complexities of it. this will probably sound selfish but i want a build a life for myself. i feel like all these years i've tried to sort of unknowingly base my decision on somebody else's success or opinion. the danger of it was that i never found myself in the process of knowing who i really am and what i want for myself. we all have our lives to live, as a single guy trying to make it out in this fast paced world, i need to have goals, a plan something that will propel me closer to being the person i want and it all boils down to my priorities. i guess in my season it's easier now because i am single and have no kids, but i guess it will come to a point when i do need to not just think about what `i want' but `what's best'. so with that in my mind, i gotta get crackin', here are just some of those `plans' that's up in the air:

1. going back to school (choices: architecture, engineering or industrial design)
i was really eyeing of going to school in BC but we'll see, don't want to get my hopes up but it would be nice.
2. move somewhere in canada, hopefully BC. kinda getting tire of all this snow in toronto. probably look for a job and be all independent you know..hahah
3. find someone who i can share my dreams with and be with me 100% of the way...hmmm must be nice to have this. praying and finding mode
4. mission trips and such, basically be more socially active regarding the things that is happening around the world

everything else is just secondary and still must be thoroughly thought out. but that's the chunk of it..i'm terrified just reading it over but i will fully rely on His wisdom and to remain faithful until that time comes, whenever that is. so yeah i guess i can end with this quote by John Wesley:

“When I was young I was sure of everything; in a few years, having been mistaken a thousand times, I was not half so sure of most things as I was before; at present, I am hardly sure of anything but what God has revealed to me”

Tom Ford Spring 09 Collection.

this is so nice.

BROKEN.

nobody in this world wants to be broken...to be at a point in life where at most vulnerable, lowest point of one's life or even the feeling of having nothing much to offer...so what is the point really?..is brokenness a type of depression? or is it much like a process, just as rocks are hard pressed for centuries to become diamonds or rough gold goes through the fire to become pure...PROCESS, no one likes it, not as much as just having the end result...this is stage where if we stuck through it, eventually we will get `there'...this is the making or breaking point of every person..a test of character or integrity...the sifting of very impurities or flaws so in the end something comes out better than before.

so spiritually, what is the point in being broken? we are the clay, you are the potter (isaiah 64:8)...ever seen a lump of clay? well its really nothing much to look at...there's no form or structure, not very valuable and just a tad boring! but in the hands of a master potter, the nothing becomes something...the once shapeless, worthless eyesore becomes a valuable silhouette of art, perfect in every way...and its all about the process...if i am to be the person God wants me to become, i must submit myself into his hands...it all start with me, my desire to accept that He knows better..my desire to be transformed by His hands...being broken is not for the faint of heart, process is never easy like i said...like clay being formed, the potter will do everything in his power remove imperfections or flaws, to smooth out the rough patches...like a tree being pruned so that it'll bear much fruit.

another question to ponder is this, is it necessary for all believers to to be broken? if you want to simplify our `walk' with God to single, most effective theology is this...'Love God, love people'...we are not automatic lovers...its not normal for people to care for others unless it benefits them in some way, so our ability or desire to understand God's unconditional love for us gives a better sense on loving others...and it only comes when we, as his created ones submit ourselves into His hands, to go through this process of purification and transformation...He must work in us before he can work through us...our carnal man must go through the fire in order for me and you to used powerfully by God through the holy spirit.

I think I've come to a point in my life where milk just won't cut it anymore, i need meat..i need His fullness in my life...part of being broken is that we become less reliant on our own abilities and strength..what we thought was good enough for
God, usually is never good enough...brokenness opens our eyes to see God and what he desires or what He wants to fulfill in our lives...it begins with an understanding on who God is...God loves us..He wouldn't send His son to die if He didn't...so in everything that He will do in the process of being broken is for our good...painful as it may seem but its the same example with parents disciplining their own children...He loves us enough that He does not want us to grow up like spoiled brats but to be the man or woman whose character is founded solely on His truth and is not swayed by change in season but will remain faithful till the end...a person whose not out for himself/herself but for those who are broken, lonely, poor and widowed, all for the glory of the Maker.

understand.desire.submit.persevere.brokenness

FRESH KIDS.

my ohh my..and i thought i look alright.lol

WOW.

French photographer's Arles exhibition 2008

AGO

experiment 1

will you still love me in the morning?

oh to hear your voice
even a breathe is enough to suffice
like a thousand angels singing tonight
and before we say our goodbye's
will you still love me in the morning?

face to face we lie awake
gathering the warmth as our bodies collide
feeling of forever right here in my arms
and before we close our eyes tonight
will you still love me in the morning?

oh the words i wished i never said
it hurts but it hurts me to see you this way
I'd give anything for this moment to just simply fade
and as you were walking away, thought I'd say
will you still love me in the morning?

the seasons have given us stories to tell
our once youthful face turn shades of gray
as we take our last and final breathe, i'd say
will you still love me in the morning?
under a sigh i hear you say
always and forever babe, always and forever.

JOY!!!

JOY IS NOT SUPPLEMENTAL BUT RATHER ESSENTIAL, CHANGE IN CIRCUMSTANCES WILL NOT BRING JOY BUT RATHER JOY CHANGES OUR CIRCUMSTANCES.ERWIN MCMANUS

PS.

Carter Heyward (Passion for Justice)
Love, like truth and beauty, is concrete. Love is not fundamentally a sweet feeling; not, at heart, a matter of sentiment, attachment, or being "drawn toward." Love is active, effective, a matter of making reciprocal and mutually beneficial relation with one's friends and enemies.

Love creates righteousness, or justice, here on earth. To make love is to make justice. As advocates and activists for justice know, loving involves struggle, resistance, risk. People working today on behalf of women, blacks, lesbians and gay men, the aging, the poor in this country and elsewhere know that making justice is not a warm, fuzzy experience. I think also that sexual lovers and good friends know that the most compelling relationships demand hard work, patience, and a willingness to endure tensions and anxiety in creating mutually empowering bonds.

For this reason loving involves commitment. We are not automatic lovers of self, others, world, or God. Love does not just happen. We are not love machines, puppets on the strings of a deity called "love." Love is a choice -- not simply, or necessarily, a rational choice, but rather a willingness to be present to others without pretense or guile. Love is a conversion to humanity -- a willingness to participate with others in the healing of a broken world and broken lives. Love is the choice to experience life as a member of the human family, a partner in the dance of life, rather than as an alien in the world or as a deity above the world, aloof and apart from human flesh.

Why Love.

Why do people choose to love in spite of the risk of having your heart broken? I read this quote before that "the greatest tragedy in life is not death but to have lived a life without love" so why choose love..why risk reality for the unknown...why are others find success in relationships while other struggle to find one? questions after questions...so whats the point of it all...is it all worth it?

I'm not here to try to disprove both sides, people have their opinion, i have one too..i believe in love..and the risks it entails..i believe regardless of the background and culture, humans long to love and to be loved...we are created to love...and even if our hearts have gone through the most painful and heartbreaking situations in a relationship, we still try..we soldier on...broken and bleeding, we still fight and risk everything for a chance to be love or feel love again...

hmmm in a perfect world maybe this is true but others who have gone the same situations can't help but feel otherwise...they say that every heartbreak that a person goes through means a little piece of them dies along with it...it causes us to trust less...insecure and maybe a little paranoid...it shapes us to a point where we hurt one another without even knowing a reason why, we become our own worst enemy..fuel to our own destruction...that is why theres is nothing like the first love...this was us at a point where we are at our best...we believed more, worked more and basically loved more...we were risk takers, unafraid of express what we felt or feeling..we were dreamers, hoped for the bests, romantically insane and thought that fairy tales are not just stories on a page but can actually transpire in our lives...then comes that dreadful day..the talk, or phone call or that message that you wished you never read..everything from that day on changes...our mindset, perspective on people in general...we question almost anything anyone does for us...we become guarded or even resistive of the idea of being in a relationship again..we risk less..we analyze more...

soo why go through it again? why care again? why risk again? ohhhh the whys can keep going!...but why???AGAIN!!...because there is no better feeling in the world than being loved by someone and giving the same to another...there just isn't...we can fill our lives with 'stuff', build our castles as high as our eyes can see...we can have the 'dream job' or luxury life but there is no better satisfaction or high compared to having someone in your life who loves you genuinely and truly...its the kinda thing that no money in this world can buy...and i think no matter how hard we try to suppress or try to over-analyze it there is really no escaping it..like i said we are created to love, we didn't come out of our mothers womb hating!lol...we were innocent, somewhat oblivious to our environment, clean slates that is ultimately shaped by the environments we are born in...situations, good or bad makes us who are today...

yes its an uphill climb for a lot of us..and most us just ends up giving up on this thing called love but life is an adventure full of surprises..more good than bad i guess but don't you want to live a life having done the best you can possibly do with it, whether it be in relationships or your life in general...no regrets or what if's....we are student in this-so-called-life...and a lot of us don't give ourselves enough credit of doing anything good in life...soo let's be ready to learn and take notes, yes there will 'blood' and `gut's spilled' but that's life in general..its cruel and unfair..we lose more than we win but time is against us and we don't have the luxury of it...soo why love?? i guess it all boils down to this quote i found:

If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough. Ann Landers

LOL!!

THE GAME.

In my pursuit to better understand this whole concept of "game", I've been asking a lot questions..questions such as knowing how to initiate, becoming better at it or even determining if a person is playing the "game"...in the midst of all these rush of knowledge and observation, i can't help but feel indifferent to the "game"...like my friend was saying, there is always games that people play, regardless whether they know it or not..yes that is very much true on other people but i really think I'm a little too old to be playing games, especially when it involves people's feelings getting hurt or heart's broken...but the more i come to understand this whole concept of the "game" the more i come to realize that its a very self-centered and self-serving thing to do..everything it evokes is fully based on the fact that our pride is on the line...so we play games, we don't call so that maybe they'll miss us enough for them to call back...we try to be really close to certain people ie. ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, so that maybe they'll want us back or miss us more...we pretend that we are bored in our conversations or that we ignore their messages but in the back of our minds, we want her/him just as much as they want us...I think I've come to a conclusion why people play these games...its because we just don't want to get hurt in the end..plain and simple...so we become guarded, an impenetrable fortress and that will not let anyone in unless we are 100% sure that he/she will stick around...i don't see the "game" as a form of weakness but more of a human nature...we are afraid to get hurt..have our hearts handed to us in a million different pieces...or as my friend would say "be another trophy"...its human nature to be afraid...i know because i was once this..still am i think but I'm learning...but as the good book says, there is no fear in Love but perfect love casts out fear...so lets not be afraid to show someone we care about them..not just in words but in dedication to spend time and the choices we make in that time spent...one of the things I've been learning these past few months discovering and building the relationship is that, do not be the reason why a relationship can't work..be a better person, make better choices..organize your thoughts and most importantly see that person the way God sees him/her...treasure the relationship whether or not it plays on your favor...it takes a lot maturity and love and hardcore honesty but in the end no matter what the outcome is, the fact is that God's love for you is perfect, regardless of our shortcomings or faults and the more I come to understand this sort of love, the more i can become the person who is not afraid to love someone...i become more like Him...its an adventure folks, enjoy every minute of it.

HAMBURGER DRESS!!!

looks soo goood its almost edible!!lol picture this on a fat dude!?!?

Gentleman Don't..

I'm trying to be a grown-up just trying to deal with this issue right now..its just a bit of a stretch and so confusing sometimes...what i don't get is that how women are so darn confusing or maybe they're playing a game without them knowing it...its boggling my mind..hmm maybe I'm just trying to save my sanity here trying to figure things out and maybe become the better man regardless how this situation turns up but i didn't realize how hard it is letting you go...maybe if you were such a "meanie" maybe it'll be easier but your just so "nice"...and the random morning texts is not helping.."i need to find another you" because its obvious that regardless how much i tried to be the better man, these other dudes still has the advantage on me regardless of how much crap that you put up with these "boys"...hmm you tell me that you're the kinda of person who is straightforward and honest and that i wouldn't be able to handle you but I'm thinking otherwise...i don't know if the talks were just made up to make me believe something that isn't there but it seems like regardless of how these dudes treat you, you still put up with it..i don't get it...i guess women just has a hard time knowing who they want..its hard on us guys because our brain goes a million miles a minute trying to break down scenarios and basically trying to do what is best for you..we'll that's me anyways..because in my opinion, women deserve only the best..haha sappy!!...well all i want is for you to be happy..truly and honestly..because its obvious that i care for you too much that sometimes i just don't know what to do but pray for you...maybe the timing is just wrong or maybe it was never meant to be but lets try to be mature in this..I'm not going to force it and i will remain optimistic for the future.

PS.
current readings: Boundaries in Dating..hahah i know i need help, big time! hopefully it helps.

Is it possible...

Phillipians 4:6-7(The Message)
6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Good Night.Morning.

she's my love, love love ,love..she's my love, love, love, love

to be continued..

bittersweet..thats how I'm feeling at this moment...its good that i was able to muster enough words to express how i truly feel about her but at the same time i can't help but expect the worst for my sake...i guess things just don't turn up the way you expected at times but that's okay because regardless of the fact that things happen the way they do, theres always hope of finding another, who..i have no clue..how..even more so clueless!lol...i know I'll eventually forget about this and move on but its just hard right now, I'm trying but i choose to not be bitter or be disappointed...hmmmm but she's different...it soo easy with this one, easy to talk to, straightforward which I'm totally the complete opposite...and regardless of what transpired, she has such a good heart, honest and all-around an amazing character..good to have around in life because it makes/made me somewhat of a better person...but boy, it would have been sweet but i guess all i can do now is move forward and see things in a different perspective..take what i learned and become better...hmm lessons learned friend...good morning world, expect the good everyone..maybe this world will a better place.

ps. why, gabe bondoc, WHY?!??!LOL

So True Sometimes..

I guess somethings are just not meant to be! HAHAHA

$14,000 Paintball Tank!!!lol

This is the Funtrak Mini Paintball Tank, a scaled down version of the classic war machine. I’m not sure if it should be considered cool or instead, the ultimate nerd machine.
TALK ABOUT GETTING OWNED IN PAINTBALL WAR!LOL I WANT THIS GUY ON MY TEAM

Scenarios in my head...

If only you were to read this...

"Hi..i know i should have been more honest of what i really feel about you but unfortunately i wasn't strong enough admit that i really do care for you..its scary i know on my part to care for someone who i barely know but i thought i'd give it a try and hope that it'll work out...sorry for putting you through this, its stupid of me i know but i hope this will not affect the relationship we have, even if we're only going to be friends...just to let you know that you are truly one of the best...your honesty and genuine caring attitude has affected in ways you could not imagined, it caused me to take risks that i thought i would never have the guts to do...regardless of my past experience, you have made me a believer again that there are still awesome, God-fearing ladies out there..the ones that deserve only the best..yeah i hope u get me...i dont want to be the one holding you back from the one you want to be with...and i dont want to be the reason for you to question the relationship you're trying to build with this guy, cus he seems like a nice dude who definitely cares for you and most of all i just want you to be happy...even if im not the one in the picture...you'll always have a place in my heart and i am always here for you if ever you need a friend.."

this is me..honestly plain ol' me

Boy oh boy...

hmmm timing, wow i guess i had my chance and once again i think i might have screwed it up again...when God, when?? when is it my turn? all these question rushing and boggling my mind once again...maybe this is it for me..glimpse is all i will ever get..smell but never really tasting...i dont know anymore..im just so darn messed up and sooo down at this moment that i cant help but to think about the words i could have said or the thing i should have done...i feel dumb right now and just plain low...hmm it would have been nice but i guess we were never on the same page...ahhhhhh man...i am soooo stooopid but i guess its time to grow up again...move forward without the awkwardness of it all..but i should never, ever, never ever give up on love...regardless of the past or the pain of it all..good or bad..happy or sad...God only knows...help me know because i'm a bit lost and i think i just need someone to light my way again so i can find the way to get there...just a little bit more i guess...just keep it positive i guess...know that everything is not as bad as it seems...there are worst things in this world other than letting go of someone you deeply care about...i guess theres always the next one..maybe this time i'll be man enough to say what i really feel, instead of being caught up what others will say or the situations we put ourselves in...listen to what your heart is telling you..heart is resilient and good..underneath the brokeness and pain..theres is hope and there is a God that take the broken and make it whole...yeah it hurts just a little but i guess ill be okay...no one really knows it better than You...so i guess just put this one at Your feet and hope for the better...yeah hope for the better.

Tycoon Commissions $6.5 Million Vacheron Constantin

A European mogul has commissioned luxury Swiss watchmaker Vacheron Constantin to create a one-of-a-kind $6.5 million timepiece which will automatically become one of the most expensive watches in the world. The horological feat incorporating several astronomical and astrological complications could take years to complete. The finished product will surpass Vacheron’s most expensive and complicated watch to date, the limited edition double-faced Tour de l’Ile (above) created for the company’s 250th anniversary in 2005. Only seven pieces were produced at $1.5 million each.

The complications are expected to include a perpetual calendar and leap year, star chart, celestial annual calendar, tourbillon regulator, sunrise and sunset indication, perpetual time equation, phases and age of the moon, substantial power reserve, multiple time zones and day-night indication, among others. The anonymous collector who commissioned the $6.5 million watch is following in the footsteps of New York banker Henry Graves, Jr., who commissioned Patek-Philippe to create the world’s most complicated pocket watch in 1932. Dubbed the Supercomplication, the yellow gold timepiece sold at Sotheby’s in 1999 for a record-breaking $11 million and remains something of a holy grail for watch collectors.

You

Oh the romance we have.
Kisses sweeter than drops of honey
Sleeping till our dreams run out
Looking into each others eye's so deeply
Letting go of all tomorrows worries

Oh how could perfection come in a moment
Lasting only second yet feeling like an eternity
Like warm summer breeze
Or the light breaking the clouds

Feeling like I'm falling
And floating all the same time
Never looking back because all I want is you
Now and for the rest of our lives

Crutch.

Lately I've been learning to treasure relationships..whether it be friends or family...I know I haven't been the best at this but i thought that by keeping myself busy enough, then maybe it'll work for my advantage..maybe by having `stuff' to do, i can have a more full life..by being busy enough that my days and nights won't be unproductive or even boring..but boy was i wrong...I've come to realize that its my crutch...i've used my hectic schedule as a medium for my inability to not be with people...i missed a lot..memorable times because i was off doing `work'...selfish i know and the more i think about it, the more i realized that i should have never used ministry or even God as an excuse to be with people especially when they need me the most...isn't that the whole point of Jesus ministry here on earth...He meets the needs of the people..He met them personally without self-righteousness or even hesitation...so i guess the point of this is all about growing and moving forward...first realization then comes change...I hope that i will have wisdom and most of all love to see the more important things in life..ie, people...

taking it one day at a time.

i fell like everything in my life right is now is in chaos...it could be better but it isn't...i am unhappy...always in a state of unrest..terrified of a lot responsibilities that is put on my shoulders...unsatisfied with my relationships with people...oohhh how i wish i could be here and say everything is fine, but i can't because it isn't...i need a new perspective...a goal..a reason to keep going...i need prayers..in desperate need of courage and strength...i need..i need..I NEED YOU...more than ever i need You...i was reminded that regardless of how life may turn out..or how present situations just seems to affect our state of being in a way that all we want to do is give up..there is Grace...peace that surpasses all understanding...that dawn will break through the night...anything can change in an instant, regardless of our best wishes or intentions...people will come and go...seasons will surely change...everything our hands have made will fade in time...but i was reminded that He will not...regardless of what i feel or what my attitudes towards certain issued in my life...He is the same from the beginning till the end...soo all i can do trust..with all my heart i need to trust...because when everything i've held onto starts to crumble..He will not.

ps. the choice to be better starts today.

i think i'm just about done here..

i guess thats what feel most generally about life right now...i just feel the need to throw away responsibilities and just fly or sail off somewhere..hmmm i dunno i guess the gravity or the weight of it can be sometimes unbearable for me to handle..i'm not really complaining or trying to find an excuse..i just have this sense or this need to go somewhere...and this thought of maybe you got the wrong guy this time seems to linger in the back of my head but who am i to doubt His wisdom, soo ill keep believing...i dunno i just dont want life to pass me by..to fall into the routine and be numb about having life worth living/persuing...dont get me wrong..i am thankful for everything i have and everyone who is around me...and at the same i dont want to rush something that i know i need to take my time in...hmmm i guess im just a little emotional right now, maybe its the weather change or the situations/events that occured these past few weeks that i find myself in such unrest..like my mind is racing 24/7..cant seem to shake this feeling somehow..i know i'll get over it but its just hard right now...

on another note: my girl issues...ohh man..so feeling like i need to talk about this situation....but i doubt we're on the same page...i guess im okay with being friends with her but at the same time what if theres more and somehow i'm missing it...i guess its just hard now..the juggling..i know im a clown but im a terrible juggler..hahah...AND I FEEL TERRIBLE..i dont want to be the reason why things cant/wont work out...i feel like its my fault..im too busy...yeah one of these days ill just sit down and think..and not fall into laziness!!lol...i just dont know anymore...i just know i feel terrible and hate to look like the jerk guy, cus i hate those guys..the ones that makes women feel like theyre not important or even worthless..because REALLY now...women are put on this planet to be treated as princess..daughters of the King of kings!!cmonn now!!hahah yeah we'll just to see and wait..lotsa of prayers and wisdom needed..double dose please!!

UPSIDE!! WEEKEND!! SOO GET YOUR PARTY CLOTHES ON AND LETS MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN, YEAH!! SWEET!!

SUBSTANCE OVER SUBSTITUTES

lately I've been stuck with this thought of how easy it is to be defined by the things you surround yourself...in a world full of `stuff', its not hard to attain or be caught up in collecting things that has some sort of relation to who you can be as a person..for example, if you want to be seen as hip or cool, all you need is the right outfit and be invited to exclusive parties or be seen with equally `hip/cool' people...you can buy fast cars and mansions just to have that life that many can only dream or even envy...but the more i think about it, there really isn't a substitute for character and integrity...who you are deep inside..i too was a victim of this...i lived to have things around me thinking that this is who i am...not knowing that deep inside that i was struggling to find my identity..my character...deep inside i was just a lost, faceless individual longing to be accepted...thinking that by having stuff, will make more popular..more talked about..or even maybe more loved...I've come to realize that i don't have to be the most up-to-date dude or have the latest clothes to fit in...I want to be the guy who is surrounded by people not because of my `things' but by the character instilled in me..by the choices i make..and by the positivity i radiate...i want to build enduring characteristics that wont fade or falter in time..because `stuff' will go obsolete and fashion will go out-of-date but a good heart and character i will always have regardless of the seasons in my life...

I WANT TO...

-write more songs....but i need inspiration
-buy clothes...but i have no money
-have a vacation...but i wouldnt know where to go
-have a conversation...but its hard to find people
-just drive somewhere..but i dont have the car to do so
-hike somewhere...but it feels like the days are growing colder
-see the world changed for the better...but im afraid of what it will take
-grow..but i get too comfortable with just being a kid
-move to a different place..but the idea of it scares the life out of me
-be more committed...but its hard for me to fit everything in
-love regardless of the outcome.....so help me do it, knowing that you'll be there in the end.

looong weekend updates/happenings!!!

couldn't asked for a better weather this weekend..it was just wow, the best we've had..well weather wise anyways..all year!!! spent all weekend pretty much devouring food with family and friends..which was a good cus i've been really good regarding my food intake, so i thought i'd let myself have a cheat weekend...this weekend was just another reminder on how important spending time with your loved ones really is...i guess it brings closeness and also that sort genuine `fun' that comes when we become real with one another...no masks just you..as a person.

now onto the weekend happenings...Saturday, i helped a close friend move in to his first house with his wife and the cutest little girl i know...which made me realize how old im getting..i mean thats when you know your old, i guess..when those people that you group up with starts to make grown-up decisions ie. buying house..making babies!!lol yeah kinda depressing but we all have different journeys in life...and i guess my time will soon but for now i just love the freedom that i don't have to work to pay off anything!! whooohooo!!lol i also met up with friends on Saturday night for dessert and bowling..good to see a good friend again after many months...it was good to see her happy together with her husband...Sunday was also an adventure, took a very special person for her belated birthday dinner..it was good spending time with her..we usually don't go out much but just being there made me more realize how much i care for her..im terrified but exciting all at the same time..just the fact that i don't know where it would lead..hmm i can only dream!!lol then we meet up with her friends..totally fun guys..easy to get along with..im still struggling understanding but i'm getting there..im doing my best..all in all good Sunday....monday was more of a family day for us..we went for lunch..good time..good food..sad it had to end cus mother had to go to work..but i spent all afternoon doing chores..cleaned my room...did laundry..wanted to see her but she was busy with other stuff but it was good..time off can be good..as long as i dont waste the day...went to church to check up on the carpet..i was wooow..it looks soo good..i can't help but to give thanks to God for the miracles and blessing He continually pours out to us...went to a friends house for a thanksgiving dinner..had the best cake in the world and knowing that it was made by a person i know made it all more special...hmm i can still taste it i think!lol....went bowling again..it was fun..and it was free..whoohooo...i just love spending time with people i haven't seen for the longest time...went home that night thinking about her..again..maybe i'm falling for her..i wasn't gonna call her but good thing she messaged me..kinda late but it was good she did...hmmm i dunno maybe i should tell her..but im soo terrified of the outcome..but im assuming..maybe i should just cause she's worth it..had a talk cus she was feeling kinda uneasy/thinking mode...which i was glad to just sort of be there for her..made her sleep better regardless whether i was tired..it was just good being on the other line....

i guess thats is all..

YOU ARE...

My sunshine.my only sunshine.you make me happy when skies are grey.you never know dear how much i love you.please don't take my sunshine away.

IM KINDA SICK..AND ITS THE LOONG WEEKEND..THE LAST BEFORE CHRISTMAS..YEAH KINDA SUCKS BUT IM NOT GONNA LET THIS GET ME DOWN..BOOOYAHH!!

ps. i kinda miss you..but just a bit

LAST NIGHT I REALIZED SOMETHING..

maybe this whole thing that I've been trying to have this particular person is not what i need...there was a point last night on conversation when i realized that maybe I'm just `the guy on the other line'..waiting, wishing i could have a straight conversation w/o distractions or the other `friends'..but then who am i ask for such privilege...we're just friends, nothing more..oh how i wish we are more but this logic sense in me kicks in..telling me to take it easy..it will come and be perfected in time, regardless of the outcome...whether she chooses you or not...OOH MAN, IT WAS JUST TOO AWKWARD..THERE WAS MOMENT WHEN I TRIED TO ASK HER ON A `DATE'..WELL I TRIED BUT IT WAS AN EXPERIMENT THAT UNFORTUNATELY KINDA BACKFIRED....I'm telling to not get soo distracted...not to let this situation take up my time that should be spent doing more productive things..ie ministry planning, devotion, praying etc...hmmm hopefully i find the sense to just not make thing difficult for myself....my feelings for this person are real no doubt about it...and i guess i just need to try to find myself in a place where i'm well enough to receive love and give love away...so i guess what i'm saying is that regardless of these feelings i'm having, i should be responsible enough to be the `right' guy...not someone who can insecure at times or lack confidence in who i am deep inside...

ON ANOTHER NOTE..
i feel unhappy with my commitment to the `kids' at church..i feel like i should be doing more...and i guess i'm just apathetic at time to actually do work..but i feel the need to do more..to pray more and to actually make sure that there is growth or at least i'm faithful to what God has given me...

LATELY I'VE BEEN...

having a sense unrest...like my mind is in constant `thinking' mode..i guess its because lately I've been having these feelings for a particular someone..its been a while since I've felt like this..and i guess its just too much for my pea brain to process...constant mix of emotions..a roller coaster of `feelings' that at times catches me off guard..and i guess the more i let myself be overtaken by these `feelings', the more i feel anxious and at times foolish...but one thing is for sure..i care for her..maybe more than i should..sometimes i just wanna wrap my arms around her and say everything will be alright...hmm i cant explain it..

I WAS WATCHING A MOVIE LAST SUNDAY AND I WAS REMINDED OF THIS POEM....SO CLOSE THAT I CAN FEEL...soo good

Sonnet XVII by Pablo Neruda
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

to be THAT GUY.

ill be there to listen
even if my day was crap
even if im wasting away
ill find the right words
so that you'll feel a bit better.

ill be there to comfort
wrap my arms around you
hoping that you'll feel safer
and you could rest easier
knowing that im right here, right now.

ill be there to dream
believe with you in spite of
find strength in each other
and hope that in end day
it'll still be you and me.

ill be there.
to be continued..